


Keep Going

by bythelightofthenight



Series: Better [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Coming Out, First Kiss, Homophobia, M/M, and all in all treatment in the books, and not getting in a relationship in which they're not on the same page, and the general handling of his sexuality, basically i just wanted to write him a chance to come out at his own pace, but alec's disastrous coming out situation, not all of it since i don't care about the main storyline at all, not bitter at all what are you saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4477790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythelightofthenight/pseuds/bythelightofthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We should split up. We’ll find him faster”, he heard Jace say.</p><p>“Good plan”, Alec muttered. He caught Magnus’ eyes again before walking in the opposite direction. It was a test almost. He was brave enough to try it. Either the warlock would follow or Alec was just looking for the vampire Raphael like he was supposed to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Going

**Author's Note:**

> omg i just noticed i'm posting this literally exactly one year after the first part (my country's time at least) how cool is that
> 
> sometime after the casting happened for the show (which i'm actually excited about.. surprisingly) and my 3-book reread i wrote this. mostly bc after the reread i was really annoyed. but not gonna do that here so you won't all dump me right away. more bitterness at the end notes :)
> 
> anyway, this is a **prequel** to thanks for the memories (which you'll find as part 1 of the better series). it's not necessary to have read that before this. actually it might be nicer to read this first.

They got through the front door, the invite in Isabelle’s hand like a shield. Alec was the last one to step in before the door slammed shut without anyone touching it. He was about to follow the others into the crowd of partygoers, when the host stepped in front of him.

“And who are you?” Magnus Bane asked, cat-eyes shining in the dim hallway.

“Alec.”

“Pleasure to meet you”, Magnus held out his hand.

He shook it shortly, the metal of the warlock’s rings cool against his heated skin. “I should probably, um -- Work to do.”

“Why of course”, Magnus moved out of his way. His eyes finally left Alec’s face to his relief and disappointment. “Your friends are over there.”

“Thanks.” Alec went after his siblings and Clary, forcing himself not to look back and find out if he was still being watched.

He’d been hit on twice before. First by a drunken mundane girl when he was out without glamour, and then by a faerie at a similar party when they’d been looking for a rogue vampire. Both times were uncomfortable, making his cheeks burn hotly with embarrassment. He preferred not being seen rather than being put in that situation.

But Magnus Bane was no drunken mundane, no. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He had a reputation more interesting than anyone else Alec had met. And he was a… he.

Alec had never flirted with another boy. He’d thought about it many times, wondering if he should go out in to the world and see how it felt to be unknown and unbound by the ways of his kind. But he couldn’t make himself do it, couldn’t risk getting caught. And what he felt for Jace often erased the rest of his mindless plans.

But Magnus Bane was something else. He’d chosen Alec out of the four of them. _Him_ and not Jace or Isabelle…

Maybe he could sense it. Maybe Magnus Bane could tell what he was hiding. Alec glanced back and saw the warlock still watching him across the room. He got a dazzling smile sent his way when their eyes met just for a second.

“We should split up. We’ll find him faster”, he heard Jace say.

“Good plan”, Alec muttered. He caught Magnus’ eyes again before walking in the opposite direction. It was a test almost. He was brave enough to try it. Either the warlock would follow or Alec was just looking for the vampire Raphael like he was supposed to.

He rounded the corner and suddenly Magnus stood in front of him, a slight smirk on his face.

“Riddle me this, young shadowhunter. Are you playing me here?”

Alec cleared his throat and didn’t break eye contact. “Maybe.” He kept taking steps back until he hit the wall, Magnus moving with him like he couldn’t help it. Warmth curled in the pit of his stomach.

“I see.” Magnus was only a few inches taller than him, but there, leaning over him slightly, Alec felt like he was completely hidden behind the warlock’s body. “Work isn’t really that important, anyway.”

“It is but… I figured since Clary’s with us now, they’ll be fine on their own for a moment.”

“Well, I’m grateful you’ve chosen that I’m worthy of your time”, Magnus said lightly, eyes leaving his to move downward. “Very grateful.”

Alec could feel his cheeks flushing, but it wasn’t a bitter sensation. He felt giddy like all the nerve endings in his body were awake at once. If he just had the courage, he would reach out and touch. He didn’t know where but, nevertheless, he would’ve felt Magnus’ skin under his fingertips.

Maybe next time, he found himself thinking. As if there was going to be a next time --

“Now, Alec”, Magnus said in a low voice. “I haven’t seen you before. Does the Clave not allow you to… have fun?”

“Uh”, he could only hope his cheeks weren’t as red as they were hot. “Can’t say it’s my usual crowd.”

Magnus laughed softly. “I see. Guess I’m even luckier than I thought.”

Alec couldn’t help glancing around. There was no one in sight.

“Unless there is somewhere else you wish to be…”

“No!” Alec said hurriedly. “No, I’m good. Here. With, uh, with you.”

Magnus’ eyes moved slowly and meaningfully across his body. “Then I’ve clearly exceeded myself as a host.”

Alec let out a breathy giggle. He never wanted the moment to end. It was more exciting than any hunt, more thrilling than… anything else he’d experienced in his life. He felt in control, confident even, good albeit hot in his skin. Magnus’ fingers trailed down the front of his jacket as he kept whispering to him.

The sound of glass breaking snapped both of them back to attention.

Magnus craned his neck to see what was going on, but they were too well hidden. “Which one do you think that’s for?”

“Well it’s your party.”

“Well it’s your friends.”

They stared at each other for a moment. The grin on Magnus’ face told him he’d already lost.

Sighing to himself, Alec made his way back to his friends. They’d found Raphael, who in turn had attempted to make a run for it.

“Where were you?” Jace asked as they were dragging the vampire outside.

“Nowhere”, he muttered.

“Sorry for the table, Bane”, Jace said then, and Alec lifted his eyes to see Magnus standing by the door.

“It’s not mine”, Magnus waved him off.

Jace and Isabelle exited with the vampire between them and Clary following right on their heels. Alec was about to follow, but Magnus holding something in front of him stopped him.

“Call me”, he said, a sincere smile on his face as he handed over Alec’s own phone. The warlock then turned to look at the others right outside his door, and Alec rushed to join them, the phone clutched tightly in his hand. “Begone now, children of the Nephilim. Next time think twice before coming here.”

The door shut with a bang, but not before Alec received a quick wink from the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

Isabelle grumbled something about the invite. As they made their way towards the cemetery, Alec thought about how uncommon it was for them to be allowed to drag Downworlders out of their own events. And all his life they’d said warlocks were bad.

 

~

 

Alec had always been a vivid dreamer. His daily life was hectic and dangerous, but at night he found color and comfort.

Ever since the party, his dreams had been invaded by Magnus. Not that he minded. Especially since it had taken him a week to even pick up his phone for the first time to hover over the call button. Getting further seemed unlikely.

In his sleep he saw Magnus sometimes far out of reach, just for him to listen to repeat the same nothings over and over again. A few times he was closer, lean body right in the reach of his arms if he’d only had the courage to make the move. But he didn’t.

The dreams were nice at first. He enjoyed looking at Magnus - a little more than he should’ve, probably. But waking up only reminded him that he really had none of that. He hadn’t actually seen Magnus more than once. He hadn’t had the guts to call the warlock.

It wasn’t that Alec was unhappy at home. He didn’t feel too much about home. He loved his family, but none of them knew what he was going through. It was never brought up either, because his people preferred to leave the things they frowned upon unsaid. So if Alec was to attempt to make conversation, all of those emotions would come to the surface. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with them.

Isabelle knew his secret. Alec knew she’d never tell anyone. But she couldn’t understand. She was the one dating anyone she could to get a reaction from their parents. It was the exact opposite of what he was doing. He had to hide himself to not get that reaction.

In the worst case they could throw him out of the Clave, take away his marks. He would have to leave the Institute. He would bring shame to his family.

It just wasn’t an option.

Magnus might’ve been the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, but reaching for beauty didn’t bring happiness. He was doing his family a favor despite his own needs. Sure, he didn’t need love or sex _right now_. He was a shadowhunter. He had a job to do, a responsibility, above anything else.

The number stayed in his phone, though.

 

~

 

“What brings you here, young Lightwood?” Magnus asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Alec cleared his throat. He was struggling to keep his eyes on the warlock’s face; his dress shirt was completely unbuttoned and his pants hung low on his hips. He had come there for a reason after all, two weeks after their first meeting. “I wanted to talk.”

“And I already thought you’d abandoned me”, Magnus scratched lightly right above where his navel should’ve been and smirked. Alec was sure he was doing it on purpose.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure thing.” Magnus stepped aside and he moved past him into the apartment. “So what brings you all the way to Brooklyn when you have my phone number?” he asked as he led Alec to the living room.

“I was going to call. But I didn’t know what to say”, Alec admitted.

“Oh?”

They sat down next to each other but on different furniture. Alec clasped his hands together to hide his nerves.

“I’m not out. To anyone but my sister. My people are -- They don’t agree with… what I am. And you too, right?”

“I’m bisexual, yes.”

“Oh, yeah, okay. They don’t agree with anything but what they think is the norm. And I can’t fight it. The only people I know are shadowhunters. We don’t socialize with almost anyone. One of my friends, Helen, is half fae, and I wasn’t almost allowed to be around her. I’ve grown up in the middle of all this. It’s all I know. I have a lot of… internalized stuff I don’t know how to deal with. So what I mean, I guess, is that I don’t really know how to be _anything_ right now. I find you… very attractive. Very, very attractive, and it’s very distracting, but I could use a, uh, a friend.”

“You came here to ask me to be your friend?”

Alec met his eyes straight on. “Yes. You’re the only… different person I’ve met. You’re not afraid of yourself. I could use that kind of people around me. If I ever want to feel good about myself.”

Magnus just watched him in silence.

“I don’t mean you should keep, um, liking me”, Alec added hastily. “Maybe? If that’s what you implied by giving me your number. I’m really sorry; I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Don’t worry. I appreciate the honesty”, Magnus said finally. “Of course I would’ve loved to have you… return the sentiment, but what can you do. I don’t personally enjoy closets. So that might be a conflict of interest, anyway.”

“So you do -- did like me?”

“Yes, I was propositioning sexual relations between the two of us.”

Alec’s throat felt very dry suddenly. “Come on. Don’t make fun of me. I’m making an effort.”

“I was completely serious. But I suppose that’s not something a _friend_ should say.”

He couldn’t help smiling, and Magnus returned it.

He didn’t stay long. But he knew now he could visit sometime and they could talk on the phone. Before he reached the door, Magnus took a hold of his arm.

“Just a question”, the warlock said.

“Yeah?”

“If you do happen to… work things out still during this lifetime. Do you think the relations could happen? In case we’re both still around, that is.”

Alec grinned, cheeks heating up. “You’ll be the first to know”, he promised, eyes dipping down once more before he was out the door.

 

~

 

Learning to be around Magnus turned out to be easier than he’d thought. Alec visited about once a week if the warlock wasn’t busy, and they just lounged around, talking.

Magnus didn’t like sharing much about his past, but he caught glimpses from his stories. He learned not to ask directly about him, but find a story that touched a certain time in his life. He was sure Magnus knew what he was doing, but he seemed to have given in to it a bit.

Alec told him about his family. About his mixed feelings towards Jace, about his parents fighting. Magnus was no expert in family business, but he was a good listener. He seemed to especially enjoy hearing about Isabelle’s relationship adventures to piss off their parents the most.

He understood Magnus’ lack of family. His mother had taken her own life after realizing he wasn’t fully human, and his stepfather tried to kill him not much later. His father Alec knew not to bring up at all. Warlocks were half demon so that story couldn’t be any happier.

Magnus no longer brought up the start of their almost relationship. Alec still liked him a whole lot. More and more every time they were together. But they’d acknowledged being in different places in their lives and it was better to not try anything out.

The reason Alec liked spending time at Magnus’, he’d figured, was because he didn’t have to think about how he acted or what he said. He could ask Magnus whatever came to mind. He asked about how times had changed, about how he realized he wasn’t straight, about sex and falling in love. Magnus said he should change his name to Google.

“You should see your friends more often. They’re young. They could understand”, Magnus said once.

It got Alec thinking. Helen and Aline he had known since he was a kid. They rarely got to meet but when they did, it was always great. Aline still lived in Alicante, and last time Alec had heard of Helen, she’d been planning to leave the Los Angeles Institute. Perhaps he could see both of them in Alicante at some point.

He also started thinking about moving. It had never felt like a real option to move out of the Institute, from his family. But it could be. If he had a place to go.

 

~

 

His mother was positively surprised when he first talked about visiting Alicante. His father was still there, working in the Clave, and the family had a house of their own there like every respected bloodline did.

As an adult, he got to go alone. Magnus arrived at the Institute, greeting his mother coolly, winking at Alec when she wasn’t looking. He opened a portal and Alec got to go through. Aline was waiting for him on the other side.

It turned out Helen had in fact also moved to Alicante. The three of them spent most of their time together. Alec got to go sit in a Clave meeting as well as he was of age. It made him wonder if that was what his future would look like. If his life would be just meetings and listening quietly before returning to his empty room. He didn’t know how to ask the girls how they dealt with it.

Things took a change when he went to get Helen on his last night in the city. The Blackthorn house wasn’t locked so he walked in. Stepping into the kitchen, the first thing he saw was Aline’s lips just leaving Helen’s, the look on her face so fond it made Alec feel a little loved too. He cleared his throat and the moment was gone.

“Alec, um, I didn’t hear you come in”, Helen said, taking a subtle step away from Aline.

“I noticed.”

They were all quiet for a moment before Aline cracked.

“Alec, what you saw -- You can’t -- Please don’t tell anyone. We’re going to tell them ourselves. Just not yet.”

Helen sighed and reached out to take her hand.

“I wouldn’t -- I’m just surprised. Because there was something I wanted to tell you, and I was worried you wouldn’t understand. But you clearly do.”

“What?”

Alec couldn’t talk right away, overwhelming relief washing over him. He held up his hand and leaned slightly against the wall, letting out a small laugh.

“Alec, what are you --”

“I’m too. I like boys. Only boys, though. Just one boy right now, but generally boys.”

Aline stared at him with her mouth hanging open. Helen burst into laughter.

“You’re gay?” she giggled.

“Yeah”, Alec nodded, biting down a grin.

“I guess it’s true we tend to flock together”, Aline muttered, and it pushed Helen into a worse fit of laughter.

Helen’s family knew about her being bisexual already. According to her, they hadn’t really cared that much, too busy focusing on her younger siblings. Aline’s mother Jia was in the Clave, and she was quite nervous about telling her the truth, but they were going to do it soon so they could start living together in the Blackthorn house.

During that last night in Idris, Alec felt lighter than in ages. Something that he had been carrying in secret for years was now out there. And his friends knew exactly what he was going through.

It made his chest sting just a little, seeing them so happy. He wasn’t jealous, just wondering whether that was exactly what he was missing out on. Because when he went back, he’d be back to square one. No one knew but Isabelle and Magnus.

“Do you think I like the guy just because he’s the only one I know?” he asked quietly, still in the Blackthorn house kitchen.

“You might”, Helen said. “But I think you’d know. You’d be more indifferent towards him. And you don’t seem that way.”

“And does it matter? Fuck him. See what happens”, Aline added.

Helen elbowed her in the side.

“You know I’m right. Gay shadowhunters like their closets. Finding one is lucky. Finding two is, like, impossible probably.”

“I guess she’s right”, Helen snorted. “We’ve known each other forever. It was only a matter of having the guts. Took her forever to ask me out.”

“At least I did!”

“Um, the thing is that… he’s not a shadowhunter”, Alec made a face at their surprised looks. “Yeah.”

“Who is it then?”

“I told you there’s only one; and we just found you.”

“A warlock.”

Both girls stared at him with wide eyes.

“You’re kidding”, Aline said finally. “Right?”

Alec smiled nervously. “No?”

“Holy shit”, she giggled. “You’re way over your head.”

“What? Why?”

“Warlocks are immortal. He’s probably had like a thousand people in rotation over the years.”

“Why? Because he’s bi?” Helen raised her brows at her girlfriend.

“No, Hel, because he’s probably old as balls.”

“True”, Helen nodded, turning back to Alec. Her face switched quickly to a look of encouragement when she noticed his face falling. “Hey, at least he’s experienced. And there’s probably less drama since he’s already tried all that.”

“But shouldn’t I get to have the drama? I’ve never dated anyone, immortal or not. I’ve got none of that.”

“Isn’t life dramatic enough as it is? We could die every day while working. Dating anyone openly leads to all kinds of shit. You could just try to focus on liking him and leave all the what ifs out. Unless you’re not sure you like him. Then find someone else.”

Alec thought for a moment. “I really like him.”

“Then go for it!” Aline nudged his ankle with her foot.

“We agreed it wouldn’t work because I’m not out…”

“Oh.”

“Okay”, Helen stepped in. “But you could talk to him about it. Just say how you feel. Tell him you’re really interested in being with him, but having your family find out scares you just as much. We’ll see what happens when we come out. Then you’ll know too.”

“You’re ready to possibly lose your marks just to be together?”

Aline looked at Helen and smiled. “Yeah.”

“We deserve to have the same experience as any straight couple. If they can’t deal with us holding hands, there’s no helping them”, Helen nodded.

“I wish I was that brave.”

Helen reached over the counter to squeeze his hand. “You know it’s not a bad thing to stay in the closet, right? It’s your right to choose. You shouldn’t give up your safety for anything. If it’s not a good time, it’s just not. Doesn’t mean you’ll have to stay in forever.”

Alec sighed. “I want to come out. I guess. At the same time I don’t. Because what if everyone starts treating me differently. It’s not fair. I don’t know how I’d deal with it. I don’t have anyone to do it with.”

“If the warlock doesn’t understand your point of view, he’s not worth it. But he could. Dating in secret is not the worst thing. It’s not the best option, but it is an option. You should get to be happy.”

 

~

 

Alec returned home the next day. All he could do was hope everything went well for his friends.

He wanted to go see Magnus the moment he got back, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. It wasn’t fair to put the warlock on the spot like that. He might’ve not even liked Alec that way anymore. But he had hope, he wanted to think he did. Still, Alec was the one who turned him down once. Maybe sex was all he was looking for, anyway.

He wouldn’t have opposed it. Hell, he thought about it every time he felt desperate enough to let his hand move below the waistband of his underwear. But what Alec wanted was a relationship. He wanted the whole thing. The hand-holding, the reassuring touches, the kisses - all of them. He wanted to be kissed by someone who was in love with him. He wanted to believe it.

Sex was probably nice and all, but he was more interested in feeling love. It was something he didn’t know how to explain, and still he craved it.

He thought about what loving Magnus probably felt like. The warlock seemed like he enjoyed casual touches and pet names. Alec’s chest hurt just at the thought of being in the receiving end of them. He wasn’t sure if it was purely fantasy or something he could actually have. And that scared him.

He was rarely one to put himself out there. And this time was no different.

 

~

 

“Hey, how was -- Alec?”

He wiped off the tears from his cheeks angrily, but more kept coming. He’d hoped they would've stopped by the time he got to Magnus’.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can I come in?” he asked thickly, meeting the warlock’s eyes briefly.

“Of course.”

He walked past Magnus into the apartment and sat down in the living room, knowing he would follow. Magnus sat at the end of the couch.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Alec pulled his knees up to his chest. “I told them. I came out.”

Magnus’ eyebrows shot up. “Okay. What happened?”

Alec explained the whole thing. How he’d heard from Helen and Aline almost a month after getting back. The couple had finally managed to come out to the Clave, and the reactions were mixed. Others didn’t really care, while some weren’t happy about it at all. But they weren’t thrown out nor were their marks taken away.

With a little more hope than he’d had before, Alec decided to go to his parents. If the Clave could deal with it, so could his parents. What he got in response was a stunned silence before his father told him no, no he wasn’t. His mother stayed silent. In the end, he’d walked out, claiming he needed some air.

“I’m sorry if I’m sending mixed signals or something, but I didn’t come to --”

“Hey”, Magnus reached out to touch his arm. “I hope that’s not all you think of me. I’m your friend. Of course I want to hear what’s going on. Not asking for anything.”

“I didn’t mean you meant that. I just -- You’re the only one I can talk to. Isabelle, she… She wants to understand and I appreciate it, but it’s not that simple. I don’t want to keep bothering you or force you to keep reassuring me. But I don’t know what to do.”

Magnus’ hand fell as he moved to dry his face. “I’m here, okay? And I’m sorry about your parents. It’s okay to be upset. Crying is not a bad thing.”

“I don’t want to feel this way”, Alec sniffled. “I was certain telling the truth would just… make everything better. You know? They’re my -- They’re my parents. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to go back to hating myself.”

“You’re not supposed to do anything. You did a brave thing. You did it when you wanted to do it. It’s not your fault if they can’t understand that it’s a sign of trust.”

Alec just looked at him for a moment before throwing his arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. “Thank you”, he whispered to Magnus’ shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it”, Magnus stroked his back gently.

 

~

 

It was late but he was still in Magnus’ apartment, now lying on the floor with the cat on top of his stomach. He’d settled there about an hour earlier when Magnus was in the kitchen. When the warlock came back, he lied down next to him without a word.

“How do you get over it?” Alec asked.

“Over what?”

“Hating yourself.“

Magnus thought for a moment. "It’s a work in progress. Doubt you can stop in just one night.”

“But can you do it? Is it possible?”

“Yes. And it’s a fight worth fighting.”

Alec turned his head to the side to look at him. Magnus’ features were relaxed and his hands rested over his chest. He wanted to reach out and brush the hair off of his face.

“I’ve never had trouble getting out of bed”, he said quietly. “It was going to sleep that was hard. I didn’t know if the next day would be worth it.”

Magnus turned as well, facing him. “I’ve found that it’s always not. But you keep going anyway.”

“Why? You’ve been alive for centuries. How can you keep going?”

“I wanted to see new things, learn. Fall in and out of love. Nothing feels as permanent when it’s happening as love.”

“What does love feel like?”

Magnus laughed softly. “It’s hard to explain. It can make you feel alive or make you want to die. It might ground you or set you free. I don’t know. Love is different for everyone.”

Alec looked away. “But it’s worth it? Looking for it, going the extra mile to get it?”

“I think so. Loving someone is rarely a waste in the end.”

“I hope you’re right --”

The doorbell rang, startling both of them.

“It’s probably for me again”, Alec pushed himself up, making the cat run off. He opened the door to find a tired-looking Isabelle behind it.

“Thank goodness you’re here”, she sighed, tugging him into a hug. “I was worried you’d actually ran off.”

“I wish I had”, Alec mumbled as she let go.

“Mom told me what happened. Sort of. I’m sorry. I know it took a lot tell them.”

“It’s okay. Well, it’s not, but it’s done.”

Isabelle glanced past him into the apartment. “Are you coming home or do you want to stay?”

“I should probably come back. Can’t hide here forever.”

“It’s your choice.”

Alec smiled sadly. “Yeah, that’s not always the best thing.” He turned around as he heard steps approaching. “Magnus, I’m going to go now. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

Magnus nodded to Isabelle before meeting his eyes. “Goodnight, Alexander.”

“Don’t call me that”, he huffed but couldn’t help smiling.

 

~

 

“Do you like him?” Isabelle asked after climbing into his bed that night.

“Yeah”, Alec mumbled, half asleep.

“Does he know?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Don’t let anyone stand in the way of your happiness, okay? We’ll always support you no matter what.”

“Thank you”, Alec found her hand and held it tightly.

 

~

 

Jace was waiting for him the next morning, a look of worry on his face.

“You didn’t tell me”, he said.

“I didn’t”, Alec nodded.

“Why? Do you not trust me?”

“It’s not about you, Jace. I wasn’t ready. I thought I might like you for a while. I was confused and you wouldn’t have understood. It was my choice.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you feel better now?”

“I’m not sure. Coming out wasn’t as good as I’d thought it would be. But I think I’ll be okay. They don’t like who I am, but I do.”

“So is there someone you’re going to date now?” Jace asked. “Because I’ll have to meet them.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Why does everyone think I did this just to date someone? Because I didn’t.”

“I do know you a little bit, Alec. But either way, they’re a lucky guy.”

“Aw, you’re going soft on me.”

Jace punched his shoulder. “Just for you, bud.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less.”

 

~

 

His father returned to Idris soon after. It was a relief, though the atmosphere in the house didn’t change much. At least his mother’s disapproval was the silent type.

Nothing else changed. Clary gave him a short hug when she came around, but she didn’t say anything. They worked like usually, hunting demons and sending them back to their dimension.

Max was attempting to read through the Institute library. Alec remembered trying something similar at his age. The youngest swore he’d actually do it.

Helen and Aline had moved together. Helen’s family was planning a visit. Alec promised he’d be there for the wedding. Aline just told him to shut it.

He didn’t see Magnus for a while. They talked on the phone a few times, but most of their conversations felt forced like they were saying everything but what they really wanted to say.

Alec hadn’t stopped thinking about him. He still dreamed of him, too. He saw the two of them lying together with nothing but time between them. He touched himself more, refusing to feel ashamed for his thoughts.

Alec hoped Magnus was still giving him space. He hoped there was still something there.

 

~

 

It was a regular evening when it hit him. He was bored, just hanging around the house. Jace and Clary were out, Max had fallen asleep in the library, and Isabelle was on the phone with a friend of hers. Alec had nothing to do.

But he did. He could’ve been doing nothing with someone he loved. He could’ve been lounging around with someone’s hand in his hair or their feet in his lap.

“Iz! I’m going out. Don’t wait up!” he yelled, tugging on his jacket.

Her footsteps echoed in the staircase. “What? Where are you --” she cut herself off when she saw his face. “Oh.”

“Yeah, I’m going now. Don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Good luck. Not that you need it.”

He kissed her cheek quickly as he passed. There was no time to stop to think. He wanted to finally do something.

Magnus opened the door for him, the irritated look on his face melting into a surprised one. “Alec?”

“Can I come in?” he grinned sheepishly. His cheeks were already pink with the sharp wind.

“Please.”

He walked inside, just standing in the center of the living room. Magnus followed him once the door was locked again.

“Everything okay? You look… windblown.”

“I was hoping we could talk. About one deal we made over six months ago.”

“Okay?”

“I said you’d be the first to know”, he said, and realization was dawning on Magnus. “So here I am. If you’ll have me.”

“You want to… What exactly?” Magnus asked carefully. “Just be honest. Like before.”

Alec cleared his throat. “I think I’m -- I’m falling in love with you. And I’m scared to death but I’ve realized that it’s pretty normal. I want to just… be with you.”

Magnus bit his lip, a smile trying to break through. “Are you sure? Because I -- I love you.”

“Show me”, Alec said, holding out his hand.

Magnus pulled him closer by it, other hand coming to rest on his cheek. He pressed his lips on his ever so lightly. Alec gasped against his mouth before kissing him again. He tried to deepen the kiss but Magnus pulled away.

“We’ll be together now, yes?”

“Yes”, Alec nodded, bringing his hand over Magnus’ where it laid over his heart.

 

~~

 

“Do you really have to go again?” Magnus pouted at him from the bed as he set his gear on the bench by the window.

“Yeah, we’re finally going to hit the huge demon nest in that abandoned building uptown. We still have no idea what’s going on in there”, Alec told him without looking his way. When he did turn around and see his lower lip still jutting out his way, he stepped closer to press their lips together quickly.

However, Magnus caught him around the waist and pulled him down on the bed. “You’d imagine with your hunter skills you’d be able to fight me off a little better”, he chuckled.

Alec just rested his head on his chest. “I’m letting you win.”

“Thanks.”

Alec’s things had started moving slowly to Magnus’ apartment rather soon after they got together. He spent so much time there already, it was mostly about convenience. The thought of actually moving in didn’t come up until months and months later.

The thing was that every day he spent at Magnus’ made his old room feel less like home. Not even the presence of his siblings could stop that.

They’d started by being completely honest with each other, and that’s how their relationship continued as well.

“I would love to be around you every day”, Magnus had whispered against the side of his neck once, arms wrapped around him from behind. “Have you ever thought of moving in with me?”

“Wouldn’t I get in your way?” he teased.

“I happen to enjoy having you in the way”, Magnus’ lips ghosted over the skin below his ear.

Alec let his eyes slip close. “I used to think I'd never leave the Institute. What a horrifying life that would be.”

“But?”

“I already almost live here. Never leaving belonged with the thoughts I used to have. I think this is my home.”

Magnus spun him around in his arms to face him. “You’re barely 20. If you need more time, it’s fine.”

“I’m ready to move toward my future. Being there isn’t a part of that. I don’t need any more time”, Alec promised, brushing his lips with his own.

Telling his siblings had been the hardest part. At first they all looked like he’d brought the worst news upon them, but when it was time for their parents to find out, Alec found his siblings strongly on his side. He knew they could tell this was important to him. They wouldn’t lose him.

The first night he spent in his new home cleared the last of his doubts. Lying there in their bed, still slightly out of breath, he had felt more at home than ever before.

“You’ll come home afterwards, right? Or is there a need for more meetings?”

Alec lifted his head from Magnus’ chest and met his eyes. “I promise we’ll have a whole day together soon. And it’ll be great, just the two of us. Just enjoy the fact that you’ll get to sleep in tomorrow, unlike when I’ll get my hands on you.”

“You swear?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“I hate that expression.”

Alec grinned, wriggling up to kiss him. “I’ll remember that from now on.”

“Sure you will.”

**Author's Note:**

> imagine that. the shadowhunter kids actually socializing with other people? having support systems?? unbelievable. 
> 
> basically i read the first three books again earlier this year bc i realized that i couldn't remember much of alec's scenes from them. turns out that was bc he barely had any. going through it all that way - using the search option of my browser to find alec's and magnus' names from each chapter (did not take that long.. going through three books. if that says something) - was pretty unpleasant tbh.  
> before alec came out his sexuality was constantly talked about by the others and he voiced his discomfort multiple times. simultaneously that was pretty much the only thing they brought up while talking about alec. i know he's not the main character, lmao not even close, but for a series that claims so much credit for ~representation~ it's lazy af. i love alec - and magnus - to death but, boy, was that depressing to look at. depressing enough for me to stop at the third book (where the series should've ended lmao).  
> also a whole lot of alec and magnus' relationship pissed me off bc ((it could've easily been great)) they like each other and get together just as quickly and ridiculously as claryjace, but somehow between them it's unclear why alec wants to stay in the closet AND that magnus is bi (or what it means idk i just found alec's freakout in the later half completely unnecessary. blah blah it was about immortality but okay.. i still see you cc)? i mean it's not mentioned until book five i think.  
> just laughing at the fact that next they'll be married with a kid or whatever lmao. certainly every lgbt teen's dream to see their fave lgbt characters get treated poorly and then suddenly they have a white picket fence and 2,5 kids! amazing!
> 
> anyway just the usual story of looking more into something you liked a lot once and finding it disappointing. looking forward to shadowhunters tho! hoping they'll steer away from the books as much as possible :) they already have the casting done fantastically.  
> on tumblr @ natharmiller


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